I just watched a most informative toilet paper commercial. It was a whole minute (although it seemed longer) of bears extolling the benefits of a particular pattern embossed onto the surface of the product. I was fascinated to say the least. It got me to thinking (never without a degree of hazard). If the rather picturesque pattern embossed onto this TP does such a superior job of smearing up your butt, then what if I were to invent a TP with a tractor tread pattern carved in it. My guess is, it would likely rip the pucker right off, 'roids and all. How great is that! I am on the phone right now with the United States Bureau of Toilet Paper Gimmickry and Other Such Nonsense, to register this with the Special Toilet Paper section of the US Patent office. Yes, I'm gonna be famous.

It is often pointed out to me how crass, crude, politically and socially incorrect, generally unpleasant and just plain naughty I am. I feel I am doing an important service to all mankind by providing an excellent bad example. Kind of a yardstick to use to judge inappropriate behavior. My whole existence is one long fart joke. It is a special niche'. Someone has to do it.