Monday, November 27, 2017

I had so many things planned for today. I didn't get to do any of them. The aliens from the planet Prozac 4 came and made a rare daytime abduction. Yeah,they got a new teleportation device and they thought it would be hilarious to just hoist me up without warning. They parked their craft behind Uranus (come on we're all adults. It's not that funny.) They zapped me up and I just appeared on their ship. It was a little confusing. It takes a minute to get over teleportation but it was kind of fun I guess. They told me that we were going to a little planetoid about three galaxies over to check out a new bar. I said geeze man it's going to take an hour or more to get there. I'm not sure I have that kind of time. They assured me that they would have me back in plenty of time for a natural death, so we made the trip. When we approached the little planetoid I was a bit short of impressed. I can't tell you the name because it has more characters than the numbers in pi. They told me that it was called Planet Barf for short. When I noticed that the bar was the only thing on the puny rock I could guess why. The place had to be at least 10,000 years old. The beer cans, and yes they use aluminum cans just like we do, were piled up several thousand feet high out back. I guess recycling is not something they bother about. Anyway, we went inside and were met by some of the most curious and terrifying creatures I've ever seen. Made even more terrifying by the fact that they were obviously plastered and had been for several decades. There were two blobs and what looked like a fish playing some kind of game over on one side. It involved sharp metal objects that they would gleefully throw at each other accompanied by loud battle cries which I later learned were considered vulgar. There was a group of Marookians on the other side trying to get drunk enough to figure out which of their confusing appendages were supposed to be used for orgies and which were not. They are disgusting creatures. But they have fun. One of the aliens, (I call him Alejandro because humans can't pronounce his real name,) ordered a round of something which apparently we were supposed to drink. I actually drank two. They were almost good. I don't think I quite finished the second one but that's all I remember. I came to in my house laying on the floor in my underwear with what appears to be suck marks all over my body and some green dust in my hair. One of the aliens had left a note that said simply, "Dude, I can't believe you did that." I don't know whether to be proud of myself or very very ashamed. I won't be trying to find out.

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