When I woke up this morning, the cat was sitting on my chair staring at me. Just staring. I pretended to be asleep for a while to see what he was up to. It soon became apparent that he was waiting for me to wake up. Just staring and waiting. It was full on creepy. I knew what he was doing. He had something on his mind that he was going to blast me with as soon as I opened my eyes. I put it off as long as I could, but he was so creepy and I had to pee. Finally I jumped up and said "WHAT?". Without flinching he slowly blinked his eyes and started licking his paw. When he concluded his overly dramatic pause he said "Melvin, I want to know when I get my unemployment money." I just sighed and said  "Camo, exactly what the feeble fuck are you on about this time." He replied in his most arrogant, 'I got you this time' voice "I am here. I have no job. And I want my friggin money." I rubbed my temples for a bit and quietly replied, "Camo, my dear pet, it truly boggles the mind how many various and creative ways you can be wholly full of shit." Sigh. "I should not even respond to this latest brand of crap, but I have no life so I will kill off a few brain cells and try." Heavy sigh. "First, you are a cat. You can't spend money. Second, you've NEVER had a job. You can't be unemployed, and third, you're too lazy to even cover up your turds so what do you think you would actually do for a job?" Camo - with smug look - "Catch mice." Me - with equally smug look - "We don't have mice." Camo - with 'gotcha, set, match' look on face - "NOT my fault! Gimme!" I looked at him for a minute and decided it was time to protect my sanity. I walked over to the table where my meager pocket change was sitting and picked up a penny and said "you win." I tossed the penny to him and continued "here's what your efforts are worth". Camo - with the 'I'm gonna rip the veins out of your neck look' "Rarwwwwwwll".

As I got off the phone from making the appointment to get another 'ward off cat bite crud shot' I thought to myself - 'And I've only been awake for half an hour.'


Naughty words:
Fuck
Friggin
Shit
Crap
Turds