5:30 in the morning, and I have been up all night watching the most frighteningly stupid movies I could possibly find. The nail biter I'm currently watching is cleverly named "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and became Mixed-up Zombies". It is true. I swear it on my disproportionately scrawny ass. I could not possibly make up a title like that.

Some good has come out of it though. I have been inspired to create my own artistic endeavor. The retelling of "Godzilla" through interpretive dance. I'm planning a one-man show with a great deal of gratuitous nudity and violence. It's going to be artsy as hell. And you know I'm all about the arts.

Naughty words:

• Ass
• Hell