Monday, February 4, 2019

Melvin's Adventures with Bronchial Pneumonia.

Day 1
I just got back from the doctor. I went over there because I am sicker than any human being that has ever lived on Earth. After I got all checked in, the doctor lady came in and went to work. She took out several chicken feathers and a string of rats teeth from a drawer and shook them at me. She threw them on the counter and studied the way they happened to fall. She then made me get on the table where she sat a small black rodent on my back. After a few minutes she consulted with the rodent and said you have a lot of congestion. I said that's good right? She said no. At that point the doctor lady left the room. In just a minute the nurse lady came in with two giant hypodermic needles. She filled them with noxious, putrid, steaming, liquid drawn from two identical black cauldrons. Before I had the chance to even ask she threw me on the table and jammed both needles in my ass cheeks. I did not enjoy that as much as you might think. Then she brought out this hose contraption and a little box that made a buzzing noise. She made me sit in a chair and breathe smoke through this hose. I suspect it was dragon's breath. Used to make my lungs fireproof so that they wouldn't turn to leather before tomorrow. She said I would have to return tomorrow to see what was going on and if the potions now swimming around in my scrawny ass had actually done anything. Then she said something about removing my lungs and having them washed off in a pan of green alcohol. I told her I thought it was a good idea. Before I left the doctor lady confirmed to me that I was the sickest human she had ever seen in her career. And there were people in the cemetery who were not as sick as me. She also confirmed that I had the plague. She didn't say what kind. Maybe she will know tomorrow.

Phlegm. Phleeegm. Ffffflegm. Phlegmy phlegm. Phlegmy McPhlegmface. You ever notice that when you say a word over and over it starts sounding silly after a while?

Day 2
It's a beautiful day to feel like shit. After another miserable night of coughing. At one point I died. I mean my heart stopped then I stop breathing. Luckily, the Cat saw me and ran to the bathroom, grabbed the toilet bowl plunger, jumped up on my chest, yelled "CLEAR!" and started plunging on my chest. Got me going again in 15-20 minutes. So I was lucky on that one. Pretty quick thinking for a cat, really. He came back and jumped up in my lap a few minutes later and looked into my eyes. I thought we were going to have, you know, a 'moment'. He squinted his eyes a little bit and said "I own you now". I said "yeah, so what else is new".
I have to go back to the doctor now and see what magical shit we're going to do next. I'm pretty sure she's going to call for an exorcism.

Two more shots in my delicate little ass. More dragon breath. Now waiting for chest Xray. Just conjecture on my part, but I suspect that both lungs have collapsed, all my blood has turned to snot, and my brain has atrophied to the size of a peanut. OK that last one may not be related.

Day 3 - 6
I died. But I got better.

Day 7
Finally getting better. Bronchial pneumonia is a decidedly sucky thing to have. By consuming twice my body weight in steroids and antibiotics I did at least manage to stay out of the hospital. I still have a couple of weeks to deal with the aftermath of the steroids. They do NOT play well with my psych medications. Batshit crazy and breathing or nicely medicated and smothering. No contest - heeers JOHNNY!

Day 8 - 16
It has been pointed out to me on several occasions, that I might have a propensity to overshare a bit. That there are things best not mentioned that I mention. Regularly. I will try to keep that in mind. So, I have this huge snot wad in my snorkalophagus pipe. At some point during the last week it has become sentient and subsequently possessed by a particularly tenacious demon. Now, I have not studied demonic snot wads enough to know whether they have little claws like a lizard or little suction cups like an octopus or little round sticky pads like tiny green frogs. I suppose it is even possible that it has afixed itself in place with duct tape or perhaps Gorilla Glue. Whatever the case, it has not allowed me to extricate and expectorate as is my fervent desire. Never in the history of mankind has anyone ever wanted to "hock & phloooie" a demonically possessed snot wad out the back door and across the yard as I do at this moment. We all have our personal demons and our internal battles I guess.

There are some naughty words. I am too lazy to count them up. Screw you.

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