Tuesday, May 5, 2020

May 5th, Cinco de Mayo. Or as I like to call it Melvin Liberation day. On this day in 2009 at 11:20 in the morning I walked out of my place of work for the last time. 

My coworkers and all of the other employees did not take the news well. They could be heard crying and wailing and begging God to allow the mountains to fall down upon them. They could be seen writhing on the floor, striking their heads against the walls, biting each other, and reaching a state of catatonia. It was a pitiful scene of devastation and human suffering. I hope that by now they have all made at least a partial recovery.

So, today marks 11 years of being completely useless. Now before anyone starts to object to the term 'useless', and starts scolding about how I am not useless, but I am a glowing example of human awesomeness, a wonderful example of all that is good and kind in the world, that my life has value beyond measure, and everybody who knows me or meets me comes away a better man or woman for it, allow me to say, yes, yes I know.

Now the term useless as used in the narrative above is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. A noble pursuit. To sit on one's ass and do little to nothing is quite an accomplishment in a world where people have to interact with others, engage in gainful employment, wear pants, limit time wasted on the internet, close the bathroom door, subject their bodies to the effects of sunlight and fresh air, endeavor to not fart on others either accidentally or otherwise, or any of the other shitstains on Humanity that can be construed as useful. So yes, uselessness is an aspiration. A lifestyle. A lifestyle that does not suck.

So Happy Melvin Liberation day everyone!

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