Thursday, August 16, 2018

I understand that the Amazon rainforest is supposed to be a good thing. There's a lot of stuff there that crawls around and flies around and slithers back and forth etc. They take this way too far though. I'm watching a documentary on the Amazon rainforest now. I'm about 30 minutes in and I have already seen a spider eat a 1996 Buick Roadmaster station wagon, a snake devour a small village, a little frog spit Atomic explosions, and a fish bite the bow off of a canoe. Exactly what the hell is wrong down there. When you see a pissant toting an entire bullmoose something is definitely up. I'm blaming GMOs and plastic straws.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Today, once again, I will be a Ninja. And I have to say it is long overdue. I will silently stalk the cat. I will be upon him,  pull his tail, and disappear so quickly he will just sit there with a WTF  just happened look on his face. Because that's what ninjas do. I will run from the cat and hide. Because that's what ninjas do. I will traverse the entire perimeter of the living room without touching the floor. Silently moving from furniture piece to furniture piece. Because that's what ninjas do. I will put an ice pack  on the bump on my head. Because that's what ninjas do.I will go get a broomstick and I will swing it all around over my head, spin it and poke stuff. Because that's what ninjas do. I will  clean up everything I broke with the stick, because that's what ninjas do. I'll get the biggest knife I can find in the kitchen and I will twist it and spin it and swing it around and stab at things and defeat invisible doers of naughty shit. Because that's what ninjas do. I will go to the Urgent Care and get stitches, because that's what Ninjas do. I will have a dangerous and exciting afternoon. Then I will take a nap. Because, well, you know.....

Friday, July 20, 2018

Well I am in a genuine scrape. I have lost my underwear. I don't mean a pair of underwear, I mean all of my underwear. I cannot find it. It's not in the laundry, not in the bedroom, it's not on the shelf where I generally keep my underwear. It's not laying all over the floor,  it's not stuck to the ceiling or walls . You know places where you generally find dirty drawers. It is gone. The only explanation would be somebody broke into my house and stole my underwear. They're probably going to sell it on eBay. Does anybody know how to set up one of those GoFundMe things? I need to buy my drawers back.

Naughty words :
None, maybe next time 

Sunday, July 15, 2018

So I had this awesome idea to burp really loud and see if I could sound like a lion roaring.

Lessons learned: 1. I can NOT burp really loud and sound like a lion roaring. 2. Peanut butter is horrible the second time around.

I have the really bad ideas so you won't have to. It's just part of who I am as a person.

Naughty words : None. Sorry. 
I'm having trouble thinking up stupid, immature, or offensive crap to post lately. All I get are profound, uplifting or inspirational bits of mature wisdom. Screw that! I'll let you know when I come to my senses.

Naughty word: Screw.

Monday, July 2, 2018

I talk to the TV. I do. I talk to the TV all the time. I seldom actually watch the TV, I just leave it on in the background and every now and then I'll catch something that's been said and I'll respond to it like they were in the room. I never pay attention to myself because mostly what I say is bullshit. Mostly what's on TV is bullshit. So it's just the semi-conscious battle of the bullshits. Just a little while ago I heard myself say "never underestimate the power of prostitution". I said that. Out loud. To the TV.

Naughty words:
Bullshit 3 times

Thursday, May 31, 2018

As you can no doubt imagine, I have been just obsessed with all things "Royal Family" lately. As I have been scouring the interwebber thingy I have discovered some things I did not know about the "Royals". Did you know than if you are "Royal" there are things you just CAN"T do? You can't fart out loud, pick and roll, pick and eat, dig your ass (no matter how bad it itches), pull your drawers out of your crack, pull someone else's drawers out of their crack, give anyone the finger, blow your nose "farmer John" style, use the "F word" - ever, call the fancy ladies "bitches", wear socks that don't match, go without pants, refer to the Queen as "Big Momma", change your oil in the driveway, chase a greased pig through the palace, or flirt with a sheep. I don't care how important they are to their country, people just can't be expected to live that way. It's hard not to feel sorry for them.