Tuesday, March 17, 2020

I have been seeing many press conferences and announcements where official-looking people in their suits and some even in uniforms are standing around a microphone talking about very important virus stuff  _ well one person talks and everybody else just stands looking very serious nodding in agreement. This is setiously lacking in something. I think for the good of the country I should be given one of those white lab coats with my name on it and have me stand there beside whoever's talking into microphone and look serious and nod too. I can bullshit with the best of them. Everybody knows I don't know virus crap, but seeing Dr. Melvin in an official lab coat with his name on it looking very serious and nodding with everybody else would be such a great comfort to the country right now. It's a service I am willing to do. I'm all about the service. It's just part of who I am as a person. I'm

Saturday, March 14, 2020

I hope no one minds if I don't give a shit today. I tried.. I really did. I thought of stuff to worry about and said aw screw it. I thought of stuff to be mad about and said aw screw it. I meditated for hours and everything that came to mind was beyond the scope of my shit giving. Maybe tomorrow.

Naughty words:
Shit 2 times

Saturday, February 22, 2020

This has been a Season Of Discovery for me. I think it's wonderful how some great scientific discoveries are found completely by accident. Such was the case today. A short while ago I stood on the scales to determine how much there is to love. While I was standing there I cut a large, socially significant fart. I noticed that after the farting experience, the scales registered exactly the same. Which leads me to conclude that farts, regardless of social significance, are scientifically insignificant. I am releasing this discovery to the public domain, to benefit all of humanity.

Naughty word: (If you are really sensitive)
Fart, farting, farts

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Serendipity. I have discovered and or invented a new drink. I was taking my substantial handful of pills tonight and washing them all down with apple juice. I like apple juice. I also like Bouron. So I got to thinking Melvin you like apple juice, you like whiskey. Why not combine the two and see what it's like. And I did. And it was very good. I usually don't mix whiskey. I usually just pour over some ice cubes and drink it. I like it that way. But I got to say, Jim Beam and apple juice is pretty damn good. I will name it ......wait for it....... The Melvin. The next time you go to your friendly neighborhood bar be sure to order a Melvin. They won't know what it is until you tell them. It will be awesome, people all over the world will go to the bar and the barkeep will say "what's your name buddy"  and they'll say "Bond , James Bond". And instead of martini shaken not stirred they'll say "I'll have  a Melvin" .

Naughty word:

Monday, February 10, 2020

Wow. It appears that I have been given an honor. Well maybe not a great honor but at least a dubious honor from my dear friends, the aliens from Prozac 4. It appears that they have arranged to have me bestowed with the rank of scrotaryan 1st class. Granted, it is equal to something close to janitor in our rank structure but still, it is official. Official due to a special dispensation from the grand Lexapro of Prozac 4. A very big deal. A very great honor. As far as anyone knows, I am the first non-Prozacian to ever hold a rank of any kind on this planet. Truly historic. I have no authority and no duties but I do get free drinks at any cantina. The drinks on planet Prozac 4 are absolutely horrible and slightly toxic but at least they're now free. Although he denies it, I suspect all this was arranged by my good friend Alejandro. (Not his real name of course but his real name is impossible for humans to pronounce). I also suspect that all of this was to butter me up because he thinks I can help him hook up with some Earth girls. As anyone can tell you, all aliens are convinced that Earth girls are easy. Yeah I know about the movie. Where the hell do you think it came from? Prozacians are absolutely besotted with Earth girls. Although I don't think any of them has ever managed to hook up with one, it remains the holy Grail of Prozacian fantasy naughtiness. Luckily for Earth girls, there is something in their fundamental ancient DNA that causes them to detect and reject Prozacian shit talking. I understand that the Prozacian officials have planned a large celebration in my honor. Not all that much of an honor since the Prozacians we'll have a celebration for anyting if it allows them to skip work and get drunk. There will be a huge event with a parade, Marookian acrobats, and everything. Marookian acrobats are really fascinating, due to their many appendages, some of which are naughty bits. Matookians can allegedly tell which ones are which but no one knows for sure. Anyway, it promises yo be awesome. I am not likely to remember much of it however, because Prozacian booze causes amnesia. Maybe somebody will take pictures.

Naughty words:
Hell 1 time
Shit  1 time

Saturday, February 8, 2020

I was watching an old Japanese monster movie just now and it occurred to me that the Tyrannosaurus Rex couldn't possibly wipe his own ass. Can't really blame them for being all snarly and bitey. I would be too if I had to go my whole life with an itchy butt.

Naughty word:
Ass  1 time.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

As promised. Hard drive shitization is complete. Died a quiet death surrounded by all his family of electronic thingies and wires. After recovery of what data I can get, an autopsy (read take it apart and play with it's insides)will be done . Traditional Viking funeral will follow. (Family only please).