Thursday, November 15, 2018

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a large breasted blond named Bamby, a really cool car, a shitload of money, my own island, swimming pool full of butterscotch pudding, a gold toilet, an otter named Bobo, fuzzy slippers, a handlebar mustache, the ability to fly, and new pants.

Naughty word:
Just washed down a BC powder with a Stella Artois. Don't do that. For the love of all that matters, don't do it.
In my usual confusion of creativity and a sick mind, I decided it was time to upgrade this lullaby. I felt it needed to be more contemporary. Sung to the tune of the traditional Brahms piece.

Go to sleep, little creep in your nice milk crate bed.
Goto sleep don't make a peep or I'll punch you in the head.
The day is through, I'm sick of you,
I want to go have a drink.
If you poo it's up to you
but you lay there in your stink.

Better. I know I know I am utterly despicable.
So Camo and zero are sitting in the middle of the floor Whispering back and forth to each other. They look at me for a minute and then they start whispering back and forth again. I ask them what they're talking about and they just give me that little meow laugh and go back to Whispering. I really think they're just fucking with me. But you never know with cats.

Naughty words:

Assholes- 1 time
Fuck- 1 time
I have always been of the opinion that the Christmas song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" was missing something. For years and years it bothered me to the point that Christmas was neither joyful nor triumphant. Well not this year. Not ever again. I have taken it upon myself to pen the missing verse. Now Christmas will be complete and happy for everyone. You are welcome.

"I'll Be Home for Christmas"
(The missing verse)

I'll Be Home for Christmas
just you wait and see
I'll stagger in with a silly grin
and fall face-first in the tree
Christmas Eve will find me
piss drunk in a bar
but I'll Be Home for Christmas
if I can crawl that far

Naughty word:

Friday, September 7, 2018

My rather intense afternoon with Japanese monster pictures has left me inspired. I have begun writing an autobiographical screenplay. I'm hoping to make it into a film that will engross audiences everywhere. You notice I said "film" instead of movie. That's because that's what those of us in the film industry call it. (It's art people) I'm thinking of a 3-hour mega movie with the possibility of sequels. It will be necessary for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to play the starring role of Melvin. I'm going to tap Vin Diesel to play the role of sidekick. I have some solid ideas for the rest of the key players but I have to make sure casting is done perfectly. It will be an epic retelling of the thousands of stories where we were saving the universe, running aground drunk, saving the orphanage from the evil drug overlords,  bravely saving puppies from burning babies, or the times when the Navy Seals and Army Special Forces came and begged us to do jobs that they were afraid to tackle. You know just the story of Melvin and his infamous crew. The story seems to be evolving as it goes along. I'm remembering things that I had previously forgotten. Like when I invented the atom and when I planted potatoes on the Sun to get french fries. It's going to be epic. They're going to have to plant an extra crop of popcorn for when this sumbitch hits the theaters. If you need me, I'll be in my trailer.
I'm sacrificing my vacuuming time this afternoon to watch Japanese monster movies. I'm learning so much. It's only a matter of time before my ninja monster army will be ready.

Protagonist: giant flying robot with Sphinx head. Cleverly named "Giant Robot" . Antagonist: giant bipedal monster, sporting cow head with horns, and dreadlocks made of chain. Monster in supporting role: Giant floating eyeball with tentacles and suck vision. Easily dispatched by giant robot. ( I am currently beside myself with excitement.)

Critical update: Late arrivals. Giant stingray looking thing with octopus suckers under his wings.  Also Giant rhinoceros looking thing with elephant trunks for ears. Oh Jesus! An alien spaceship! I'm losing my shit!!

Epilogue: Giant robot whipped all the bad monsters. (Well duh.) Then  grabbed bad man and flew him into outer space, sacrificing himself to crash bad man into a comet.

End note: The bad man's minions were some real assholes.

The End