Thursday, May 31, 2018

As you can no doubt imagine, I have been just obsessed with all things "Royal Family" lately. As I have been scouring the interwebber thingy I have discovered some things I did not know about the "Royals". Did you know than if you are "Royal" there are things you just CAN"T do? You can't fart out loud, pick and roll, pick and eat, dig your ass (no matter how bad it itches), pull your drawers out of your crack, pull someone else's drawers out of their crack, give anyone the finger, blow your nose "farmer John" style, use the "F word" - ever, call the fancy ladies "bitches", wear socks that don't match, go without pants, refer to the Queen as "Big Momma", change your oil in the driveway, chase a greased pig through the palace, or flirt with a sheep. I don't care how important they are to their country, people just can't be expected to live that way. It's hard not to feel sorry for them.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Warning: This post contains the word "shit". It is used 20 times. (Possibly a record. Citation needed.) If you are offended by the word "shit", you might want to close your eyes while you read this one. I realize that some folks object to the word "shit". "Shit" is not a bad word to me, but its use may be of some concern to others. As for me, I don't give a shit.

Feeling a bit lost lately. After several weeks of not giving a shit about the [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG] I don't know what to not give a shit about now. It was easy to not give a shit about [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG]. There was just SO much to not give a shit about. But compared to the [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG] everything seems kind of insignificant. If I'm going to bother to not give a shit about something, (and you know I am), I would prefer to not give a shit about something that people actually give a shit about. I will be watching the news constantly and as soon as I find something to not give a shit about I will Immediately begin not giving a shit about it. I will, for your edification, post the thing that I am not giving a shit about so you will know I am not giving a shit about it. It will be difficult to match the intensity of not giving a shit about [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG], but that degree of not giving a shit does not present itself very often in one lifetime.

If you have a candidate for something to not give a shit about, please let me know. I just might not give a shit about it! All candidates will be considered.

Naughty word:
Shit 20 times. (yay)

Sunday, May 13, 2018

 I'm working on a new scientific discipline called Quantum Bullshit. The short version is this: When you look in the bathroom mirror, the light image has to travel from your body, to the mirror, then to your retina, up your optic nerve to be processed by the brain. This occurs before you 'see' yourself. So, the YOU that you SEE is actually a fraction in the past. That means you are always a bit ahead of yourself. This effect will be called the "Melvin Shithouse Mirror Effect". Named, of course, after yours truly. I aim to find the number of trips to the bathroom mirror before you don't have to shit.

Naughty words :


Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Y'all want to know a secret?  I work for a secret government agency that secretly collects your personal information from Facebook and sells it to the Eskimos who secretly use it to control global warming. Obviously I don't keep secrets very good.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

I woke up this morning coughing. I mean the yucky green and yellow stuff. It is sooo gross. I'll try to get you a picture. My throat feels like it is being ripped out of my neck parts. I have to check periodically to see if my sniffeoffphylligus is hanging out.
This will likely be my last day on Earth as I expect to hack up my inside bits before the Good Lord calls my wretched ass home. If I happen to owe you money...Well that's on you. You fucked up. You trusted me. If you have anything of mine, you can just keep it as long as you promise not to sell it for titty bar dollars. You know who you are.
Memorial donations should be sent to the Center For Disease Control Bribe Fund, I am trying to get them to name a venereal disease after me. Send C/O Vito and Big Tony. They will find you.
Naughty words: Ass, Fucked, Titty

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

You know how sometimes when you're sitting in the dark staring into the void? And you reach out to touch something with your mind? And then the hand jumps out and slaps at you and says don't touch that? Yeah, I hate that.

Friday, March 30, 2018