Monday, August 9, 2021

The Giant Floating Strawberry Bagel has returned. Scared the crap out of me. I was in the shower. I think he was peeking. It was awkward. The message this evening was especially edifying though. Clearly, we all needed this.: "Everything is in abundance. That's why you can outrun a squash. Squash makes some people fart. Dead people fart sometimes too, although I don't think they enjoy it. I enjoy ice cream. Cream cheese frightens me." This gave me chills. Naughty words: (if uou are really touchy) Crap x1 Fart x2

Monday, April 5, 2021

Broke ass stew.

Melvin's recipe for broke-ass stew. Put a bunch of cans of store brand vegetables in a pot. (remove from cans first) Put in some salt and pepper and some of that stuff in the little bottles that look like seasonings of some kind. Stirr and smell. If you don't puke continue. Put in a pack of rammy noodles with little pack of yummy dust. Fish out the plastic wrapper and discard. Cook over low heat until hunger makes you brave/desperate enough to eat it. Try a small amount and wait 5 minutes. If you don't puke, pass out or convulse, hold nose and consume.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Stay what way?

Well that was weird. This gnarly old lady just showed up at the door and gave me a jar with a rose in it. She mumbled something about if I didn't do some unintelligible bullshit by the time the rose fell apart, I was going to stay this way. Stay what way? Old? Fat? Ugly? Broke? Crazy? I'll have you know some people find those qualities to be quite charming. Nobody I know personally, but some people do. Naughty word: bullshit.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

By by breakfast.

This morning, a bird fell down my chimney and got trapped in the fireplace. The cats were immediately interested. I opened the sliding door and then let the little bird out. He flew around the house and shot out of the open door. Camo looked at me with this annoyed look on his face, and said "Melvin, I believe that was supposed to be my breakfast." I offered him a graham cracker as a replacement. He hissed at me. I believe I'll just avoid him today.


Okay, I am generally an optimistic person. But I have had to come to the realization that Taylor Swift is never going to come and pick me up in her jet airplane, smack me on the butt, and buy me a Maserati. In light of this realization, I am currently taking applications for a replacement. Applicants must be young, beautiful, have a shit ton of money, posess questionable morals, and a very generous spirit.

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Well, it's that weird time of year when I set aside my snarky cynicism for a little while and watch Hallmark Christmas movies. You know the ones that all have the exact same plot and recycled actors. The characters always Jump through the same Hoops of corny bullshit in order to overcome miscommunication, bad timing, personal demons, and general nonsense so they can set themselves up to know each other in the Biblical sense. The players are all dipped out of the same character pool of problematic parents, clueless exes, quirky townspeople, solid besties, and various and sundry bit players ranging from horrible to lovable. The outcomes are completely inevitable and predictable of course, including the interrupted first kiss which only makes the principal players more eager to suck the faces off of each other's skulls in the warm n fuzzy ending that is to come. It's km entertainment that doesn't require any brain activity from the viewer. And let's be honest here, if not for Hallmark Christmas movies I would have the Grinch on replay from now until New Year's Eve.

 I would like to be known/remembered as someone who was kind, and gentle, and generous, and trustworthy, and reliable, and nice. So if you all could just forget all that other shit, yeah, that'd be great.

Naughty word: