Sunday, October 11, 2020

 Today I have a deeply personal problem that I need to share with someone. It seems that I have been having - and this is embarrassing - an unsatisfactory farting experience of late. There I said it. I am telling you because I know you will be discrete and not tell anyone. The issue is this: Instead of the happy little "toot" or the commanding "FRAZZOTT" that I find so pleasant, I am getting an angry growl like "Groorrrttttpp". Disturbing right? I thought so too. Is it possible that your butt can get angry with you? I can't imagine why. Oh well, no skid marks as of yet. Maybe I can make peace with Mr. Hiney before it gets to that point. Thanks, I knew I could count on you.

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

English ?? 101.
Why is it that in polite conversation, it's okay to say buttocks. But when you say ass cheeks, you are being crude.
Why is it that you can say arse but the word ass will be met with consternated looks. Hiney, rear, back side, are all fine, but nobody likes poor little ass. Ass is convenient and economical. Only three letters, one syllable, saves ink and saves air. Using a different word in place of ass is like putting a hat on a pig and telling people it's your cousin. Everybody's going to know. I think it's time to give ass the respect that ass deserves. Who's with me? Really? Dang, I thought I was on a roll here too.

Naughty words:
Ass ×6.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

Melvin's tips for successful living.

1. If you never make goals, you never fail to meet them.

2. If you wake up late, stay in bed until the next morning. Then you will be on time.

3. You can always lose a little weight by kicking off your shoes.

4. The lower your standards, the greater your successes.

5. Things always look up when you lay on your back.

Friday, July 17, 2020

If I was all hot and buff like the Chippendale types it would be bad. I would go naked everywhere. And the ladies would say 'thank you Melvin for sharing your awesome hotness with us.' Then they would gawk and lust. They would think things. Terrible things. Illegal in some states things. I wouldn't want to be the cause of all that.

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

Voice inside Melvin's head: "What's it all for Melvin? What's it all about?"
Other voice in Melvin's head: "Don't ask stupid shit like that. You makin' us look silly." Third voice in Melvin's head: " you just trying to make somebody think you're smart. Getting all philosophical and shit up in here. Other voice in Melvin's head again:
"Yeah go to bed Melvin, you drunk!"

Naughty words:
Shit 2 times.

Monday, July 13, 2020

Don't you just hate it? When you think you have come down with body dysmorphic disorder? Because you look in the mirror and you think you're chubby? And then you remember you really are chubby? And then you feel silly? You ever do that? No? Just me then. Awkward.

Sunday, July 5, 2020

So, I decided that today would be a good day to replace the line on my fishing rod. I intend to embark on several epic fishing expeditions and the coming weeks. Well now: let me tell you about monofilament fishing line. It is manufactured by Satan himself in the bowels of perdition. Created from the tortured, malignant, souls of all the worst murderers, rapists, politicians, Liars, thieves, and other various and Sundry assholes. I tackled the task with the greatest of confidence. Secure in the firmly held belief that I was competent and more than able to accomplish the task. Boy was I wrong. Before I got done I was wrapped up from head to toe in invisible fishing line. The cat was tied up in it too as were several items of furniture the fishing pole itself and at one point, I swear it's true, even the ceiling fan. I am now traumatized and I'm pretty sure I will need therapy. Not only that, but I have the premonition that my next turd will be tied to my liver.

Naughty words: