Thursday, July 30, 2020

Melvin's tips for successful living.

1. If you never make goals, you never fail to meet them.

2. If you wake up late, stay in bed until the next morning. Then you will be on time.

3. You can always lose a little weight by kicking off your shoes.

4. The lower your standards, the greater your successes.

5. Things always look up when you lay on your back.

Friday, July 17, 2020

If I was all hot and buff like the Chippendale types it would be bad. I would go naked everywhere. And the ladies would say 'thank you Melvin for sharing your awesome hotness with us.' Then they would gawk and lust. They would think things. Terrible things. Illegal in some states things. I wouldn't want to be the cause of all that.

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

Voice inside Melvin's head: "What's it all for Melvin? What's it all about?"
Other voice in Melvin's head: "Don't ask stupid shit like that. You makin' us look silly." Third voice in Melvin's head: " you just trying to make somebody think you're smart. Getting all philosophical and shit up in here. Other voice in Melvin's head again:
"Yeah go to bed Melvin, you drunk!"

Naughty words:
Shit 2 times.

Monday, July 13, 2020

Don't you just hate it? When you think you have come down with body dysmorphic disorder? Because you look in the mirror and you think you're chubby? And then you remember you really are chubby? And then you feel silly? You ever do that? No? Just me then. Awkward.

Sunday, July 5, 2020

So, I decided that today would be a good day to replace the line on my fishing rod. I intend to embark on several epic fishing expeditions and the coming weeks. Well now: let me tell you about monofilament fishing line. It is manufactured by Satan himself in the bowels of perdition. Created from the tortured, malignant, souls of all the worst murderers, rapists, politicians, Liars, thieves, and other various and Sundry assholes. I tackled the task with the greatest of confidence. Secure in the firmly held belief that I was competent and more than able to accomplish the task. Boy was I wrong. Before I got done I was wrapped up from head to toe in invisible fishing line. The cat was tied up in it too as were several items of furniture the fishing pole itself and at one point, I swear it's true, even the ceiling fan. I am now traumatized and I'm pretty sure I will need therapy. Not only that, but I have the premonition that my next turd will be tied to my liver.

Naughty words:
Asshole
Turd

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

I'll never understand women, I happened to have the perfect opportunity to ask a lady out and much to my delight, she said yes. I excitedly said " Great, you are MUCH better than the skanks and crack whores I usually get stuck with" All of a sudden -  no date. Go figure.

Monday, June 22, 2020

PLEASE READ! Vital information: Apparently some of us are about to let our extended car warranty lapse. The warranty company has been trying to reach us to give us ONE more chance to correct the issue. If not renewed your car will explode, your neighbor will be hit by the resulting shrapnel, and sue you for eleventy million hundred dollars. You will get rickets and crap your pants..A rabid 'coon will bite you on the ankle, but you will be struck by lightening and die before the rabies causes you to lose your mind and die a horrible death. To avoid this unpleasant and bothersome situation you must answer your phone even though you don't recognize the number..Be warned  that doing so will put you in grave danger of having to talk about free magazines.