Monday, February 12, 2018

Interesting factoid: The longest nose hair ever recorded was discovered by Mr. Jeremiah Bullfrog of Assateague, Virginia. Mr. Bullfrog extracted a hair from his own nose that measured 15 and 3/4 in. Joseph, a truck driver at the time, had been complaining of difficulty seeing the road. As it turns out, it was just a nose hair in his eye. The nose hair was donated to the Smithsonian Institution where it can still be viewed in the nose hair pavilion. Mr. Bullfrog passed away soon after the hair was extracted. It was reported that he died of spontaneous human combustion.
"Facts should not be changed but they can be forgotten" ~ Professor Melvin

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Interesting factoid: The first person ever to have bent a spoon with his tongue was a Mr. Elmo Warturtle of Turdhaven, Scotland. After a brief period of celebrity Mr. Warturtle accepted a professorship at the Woman's University of Gymnastics in Galway, Ireland. Several years later Prof. Warturtle succumbed to spontaneous human combustion.
"Learning shit is better than not knowing shit"     ~ Professor Melvin

Naughty words:
Shit x2
Interesting factoid: Mr. Elmo J. Spatula is believed to be the world's most unlucky prospector.  Mr. Spatula began  searchng for gold at the age of 20 and prospected in various places throughout the country for a period of 44 years. He never found even the tiniest grain. It is claimed that he found a nickel one time but it is widely believed it fell from his own pocket. Mr. Spatula passed away in 2013 at age 64 from spontaneous human combustion.
"You can't make this shit up." ~ Professor Melvin

Naughy word:
Shit

Wednesday, February 7, 2018


My house is now in a state of perfect balance with the universe. It's what the aliens call "Perfect Balance with the Universe". It's a rare occurrence that happens only when all of the balancing planets from here to the middle of Andromeda are perfectly in tune with each other. No more than once a week. Well except for the second Thursday in August. It always occurs on the second Thursday in August. Nobody knows why. A small delegation from the planet Prozac 4 traveled across the Galaxy to visit the All-Knowing All-Seeing Trash Can Lid of Ramidus. They presented the question to him. He said, and I quote "How the hell am I supposed to know that you morons. I'm a damn trash can lid" After that the question was deemed to be unknowable and was never ask again. I think I may have wandered off of the subject here. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, my house being in perfect balance with the universe. It's either that or I'm reading way too damn much into my inside outside thermometers.


Naughty words:
Hell
Damn

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Omg! Most heinous annoying laugh in the history of human beings. I'm at the coffee shop and the woman at the next table just puked out a noise that stopped time for a second. It was the sound of all the imps of hell farting at one time. Most with projectile habernero overtones. My first reflex was to smack her with a chair. But then I saw the hilarious look of horror and embarrassment on the face of her companion. I'm so conflicted right now.
I may not be active for the next couple of days. I am preparing myself for this year's annual push up. I will be preparing my mind (read: napping), and preparing my body (read: standing in front of the empty refrigerator hoping for a miracle) . I may put pants on, but no solid plans yet. If I happen not to survive this heroic quest for body perfection, please remember me fondly, stay off my lawn, and don't touch my stuff.
I generally don't mind the snow. Especially if I can ride around in 4-wheel drive feeling superior to all the four wheel drives that are in the ditch. But a couple of things about last night's snow are bothering me. One is that I do not believe I got my full inch of snow. That's right, I've looked and I've  thought and I've  pondered and the best I can tell without actually putting on pants and going out there in the horrible stuff is that I probably came in at about 3/4 to 7/8 of an inch of snow. I do feel jipped. The second thing is that the little bit of snow that I did get it is partially covering and otherwise obscuring the view of my beautiful dead grass. I worked very hard this summer ignoring my lawn and now the view of my lovely dead grass is being kept from me. I am writing a very strongly worded letter to the government demanding that when they control the weather with their cloud seeding and chemtrails from airplanes and climate manipulation  they need to at least get it right.