Thursday, May 28, 2020

I just realized that I don't have an ostrich. I blame global warming and poor planning.

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Well dagnabbit. That's old fart speak for 'I find the current situation a bit annoying and/or bothersome. That current situation being poison ivy on both my arms. I hate poison ivy with a fiery hatred reserved for things that make me itch or things that otherwise inconvenience me in some small way. Long-suffering patience is not on my short stack of virtues. The brush around my house is about 40% poison ivy now. Which is really okay by me but it makes putting food out for the squirrels and the bunnies and the possums a bit like traversing a mine field. I guess I could go cut down the poison ivy, but that could turn into something resembling work, so that shit ain't likely to happen. And the critters don't seem to care either way. Yeah, I am low-key bitching to the internet,  but the cat already told me my poison ivy seems like a personal problem to him and as long as it didn't interfere with his food bowl he didn't give a shit. So I refuse to squander my perfectly good bitching talent on a snarky old unappreciative cat.

Naughty words:
Shit, twice.

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

There is a firefly on my ceiling. I can see him blinking on and off from anywhere in the room. I like fireflies. Their magical little  hiney beacons blinking around in the summer sky. On the other hand it's a bug. It's a bug in my house. With his little light hiney blinking. Staccato, without rhythm, complete and total randomness. It's going to drive me completely insane. Extinguish your hiney little bug. Or I'm going to have to squish you with the fly-swatter. The ball's in your court little friend. Oh, and go away. Yeah, you should go away too.

Friday, May 22, 2020

Just a heads up. I will probably be unavailable today until around 3:30. Today, I'm going to be a squirrel. I'm going to hop around in the trees and dig holes in the ground and stand up authoritatively with tail twitching and chatter out messages of squirrel wisdom. I will confer with the rabbits to see if they have any new jokes. Dirty ones preferably. Dirty rabbit jokes are hilarious.

Or I may go ahead and take my medicine and do things that do not not require me to transmogrify. I will know more after I finish my coffee.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Gave trusty old Acer desktop a new lease on life. I will need it to take over the world. New motherboard with AMD A-10 7600 quad core processor, because - taking over the world. 16 Gigs of RAM because - taking over the world. 5 terrabytes of HD space, because - taking over the world. Bluetooth because I'll want to jam out while I take over the world. HDMI becaiuse I'll want to watch cartoons on the big screen while I take over the world. Gigabit LAN so I can connect to my media server really fast to jam out while I take over the world. Ability to boot Windows or Linux because it's cool and - well, I might not need it to take over the world but it's just friggin' cool. .All for about 50 bucks because I got used and hand-me-down parts, because it's kind of expensive to take over the world. I'll let you know when it shits itself and/or explodes.

Naughty words:
Friggin'
Shits

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

May 5th, Cinco de Mayo. Or as I like to call it Melvin Liberation day. On this day in 2009 at 11:20 in the morning I walked out of my place of work for the last time. 

My coworkers and all of the other employees did not take the news well. They could be heard crying and wailing and begging God to allow the mountains to fall down upon them. They could be seen writhing on the floor, striking their heads against the walls, biting each other, and reaching a state of catatonia. It was a pitiful scene of devastation and human suffering. I hope that by now they have all made at least a partial recovery.

So, today marks 11 years of being completely useless. Now before anyone starts to object to the term 'useless', and starts scolding about how I am not useless, but I am a glowing example of human awesomeness, a wonderful example of all that is good and kind in the world, that my life has value beyond measure, and everybody who knows me or meets me comes away a better man or woman for it, allow me to say, yes, yes I know.

Now the term useless as used in the narrative above is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. A noble pursuit. To sit on one's ass and do little to nothing is quite an accomplishment in a world where people have to interact with others, engage in gainful employment, wear pants, limit time wasted on the internet, close the bathroom door, subject their bodies to the effects of sunlight and fresh air, endeavor to not fart on others either accidentally or otherwise, or any of the other shitstains on Humanity that can be construed as useful. So yes, uselessness is an aspiration. A lifestyle. A lifestyle that does not suck.

So Happy Melvin Liberation day everyone!


Naughty words:
Ass
Shitstain
Fart

Sunday, April 5, 2020

So me and Camo were talking just now,  and he asked "Melvin what are the problems with this virus that might interfere with my steady supply of Meow Mix"? I told him  "I don't think there will be any problems with the Meow Mix Supply as long as I don't get sick with the virus and die". "yeah, I'm not really worried about that too much." He said with a creepy grin. I said "really? You don't worry about me getting the virus?" He said "no not at all. Cuz there's some things even a virus won't do." Then he jumped down and sauntered off towards the litter box laughing his self-satisfied little laugh. Smartass.