So I go tme a new dog. Well, new to me. He's a Rottweiler. A BIG one. He is very chill and sweet if a little sarcastic. Yes, as with all if my pets, Buddy talks to me. He is 8 years old. His owner passed away leaving him alone. So now we are a family of 1 Melvin, 2 dogs, and 3 cats. And yes, the animals run the zoo.

So me and Buddy were talking today. You know, rainy day, bored, talking shit. Anyway I started going on about how great it is to have thumbs. Buddy said "OK thumbs are cool, but I have anal glands. Have fun wiping your ass with them cool thumbs." Animals are going to take over. It's just a matter of time. Naughty word: Ass

Fortune Cookie Fukery

I feel well enough to have thought up some more evil fukery. I recently found out that Chinese fortune cookies are not really all that prevalent in China and that the whole fortune cookie thing is pretty much American crap. Armed with that knowledge and the desire to screw with people's heads, I decided it would be amusing to replace the bland, benign, mealy mouthed fortunes with ones more to my liking. IE: "DUCK" or "Remember that last date? Get your ass to the doctor". How about " Go home. Where there's smoke, there's fire." or "You will recover - eventually". There's always the " You will learn to live without sex. Your spouse will not". Or my favorite, "Your spouse fakes it. You needed to know" (especially fun to give to the ladies). "You put off life insurance - don't". That one's food for unsettling thought. Think how much fun it will be sitting in the restaurant and watching people turn pale and grab at their chest. This is greatness in the making!

Plan 1.

I'm going down to the Amazon to find me a tribe of people who have never heard of civilization. If they don't eat me I will be their king. It's a good plan.

Reject oppression!

It does my heart good to see people standing up against laws that they feel are unjust or oppressive. I'm so boosted by it that as of today I'm going to take a stand of my own. Today I take my stand against, and will no longer be subject to the laws of gravity. I personally feel like the laws of time and space are a bit oppressive as well. I'll be looking at those in the future. I'll keep you posted.

Yurts for Yaks

Melvin, as you may know, has a heart for animals. I love animals. All of them. That's why I've never been hunting and I don't really like the idea of killing things that should have names and be pets. So it should come as no surprise that I have decided to start a charity that I will call "Yurts for Yaks". The mission and purpose of said Charity will be to provide yurts for yaks to live in all over Tibet. It seems that there are many yaks standing around freezing their asses off out in the open because they have no yurts. I really can't let this stand. I will be starting a go fund thingy to raise money for the yak yurts. If I don't get a Nobel Peace Prize out of it, the Nobel prize people can kiss my ass. I'm tired of waiting. Look Nobel dudes, ckeck this out. Some solid "peace charity" shit going on over here. Get on with it. I ain't getting any younger! Naughty words: Ass/asses x2 Shit x1

Loneliness

Tonight at dinner the subject of being alone-living alone versus being lonely came up. I answered with my usual wisdom, "I'm sure I could get lonely at times, if it weren't for my hoes". This statement was met with some consternation until I explained, "you see I have this girl that comes over. I give her 10 bucks and she bitches at me, tells me I'm fat, farts real loud, and leaves. And just like that I'm not lonely anymor