Monday, June 20, 2022

Fortune Cookie Fukery

I feel well enough to have thought up some more evil fukery. I recently found out that Chinese fortune cookies are not really all that prevalent in China and that the whole fortune cookie thing is pretty much American crap. Armed with that knowledge and the desire to screw with people's heads, I decided it would be amusing to replace the bland, benign, mealy mouthed fortunes with ones more to my liking. IE: "DUCK" or "Remember that last date? Get your ass to the doctor". How about " Go home. Where there's smoke, there's fire." or "You will recover - eventually". There's always the " You will learn to live without sex. Your spouse will not". Or my favorite, "Your spouse fakes it. You needed to know" (especially fun to give to the ladies). "You put off life insurance - don't". That one's food for unsettling thought. Think how much fun it will be sitting in the restaurant and watching people turn pale and grab at their chest. This is greatness in the making!

Sunday, May 8, 2022

Plan 1.

I'm going down to the Amazon to find me a tribe of people who have never heard of civilization. If they don't eat me I will be their king. It's a good plan.

Reject oppression!

It does my heart good to see people standing up against laws that they feel are unjust or oppressive. I'm so boosted by it that as of today I'm going to take a stand of my own. Today I take my stand against, and will no longer be subject to the laws of gravity. I personally feel like the laws of time and space are a bit oppressive as well. I'll be looking at those in the future. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Yurts for Yaks

Melvin, as you may know, has a heart for animals. I love animals. All of them. That's why I've never been hunting and I don't really like the idea of killing things that should have names and be pets. So it should come as no surprise that I have decided to start a charity that I will call "Yurts for Yaks". The mission and purpose of said Charity will be to provide yurts for yaks to live in all over Tibet. It seems that there are many yaks standing around freezing their asses off out in the open because they have no yurts. I really can't let this stand. I will be starting a go fund thingy to raise money for the yak yurts. If I don't get a Nobel Peace Prize out of it, the Nobel prize people can kiss my ass. I'm tired of waiting. Look Nobel dudes, ckeck this out. Some solid "peace charity" shit going on over here. Get on with it. I ain't getting any younger! Naughty words: Ass/asses x2 Shit x1

Monday, March 14, 2022

Loneliness

Tonight at dinner the subject of being alone-living alone versus being lonely came up. I answered with my usual wisdom, "I'm sure I could get lonely at times, if it weren't for my hoes". This statement was met with some consternation until I explained, "you see I have this girl that comes over. I give her 10 bucks and she bitches at me, tells me I'm fat, farts real loud, and leaves. And just like that I'm not lonely anymor

Monday, November 15, 2021

No Nobel

Well I read where the Nobel prizes have been announced again. Couple of guys from somewhere doing something about how pain works so people won't have to hurt or some such nonsense appears to have won this time. Once again my groundbreaking research on how long can you sit on the toilet before your legs go to sleep has been overlooked. Does nobody care about science anymore?

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Cookery

Well I committed another act of cookery today. I made me some red beans and rice. I've never cooked red beans and rice. Hell I don't think I've even ever eaten red beans and rice. But I had some leftover rice and I had a couple of cans of red beans, well kidney beans, but they are red. And a can of Progresso tomato basil soup. I also had a handful of nice size boiled shrimp. Well it was leftover bait from yesterday but whatever. So I dumped it all in a pot put some water in and got me a bunch of spices and dumped em in there from the pile of little bottles I collectively refer to as yummy dust. I cooked all that shit in the pot until I got hungry enough to taste it. I'm guessing that's how you know it's done. Now here's the weird part. That shit was good. I mean real good. I'm saying it's the best red beans in rice anybody has ever cooked anywhere on the planet. And since I've never had red beans in rice I'm basing that boast on pretty much nothing. ?But for now it's the best red beans and rice ever. Until I find out different. Which I probably never will. Because other people's red beans and rice sucks. Naughty words: Hell once Shit twice