Friday, September 7, 2018

My rather intense afternoon with Japanese monster pictures has left me inspired. I have begun writing an autobiographical screenplay. I'm hoping to make it into a film that will engross audiences everywhere. You notice I said "film" instead of movie. That's because that's what those of us in the film industry call it. (It's art people) I'm thinking of a 3-hour mega movie with the possibility of sequels. It will be necessary for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to play the starring role of Melvin. I'm going to tap Vin Diesel to play the role of sidekick. I have some solid ideas for the rest of the key players but I have to make sure casting is done perfectly. It will be an epic retelling of the thousands of stories where we were saving the universe, running aground drunk, saving the orphanage from the evil drug overlords,  bravely saving puppies from burning babies, or the times when the Navy Seals and Army Special Forces came and begged us to do jobs that they were afraid to tackle. You know just the story of Melvin and his infamous crew. The story seems to be evolving as it goes along. I'm remembering things that I had previously forgotten. Like when I invented the atom and when I planted potatoes on the Sun to get french fries. It's going to be epic. They're going to have to plant an extra crop of popcorn for when this sumbitch hits the theaters. If you need me, I'll be in my trailer.
I'm sacrificing my vacuuming time this afternoon to watch Japanese monster movies. I'm learning so much. It's only a matter of time before my ninja monster army will be ready.

Protagonist: giant flying robot with Sphinx head. Cleverly named "Giant Robot" . Antagonist: giant bipedal monster, sporting cow head with horns, and dreadlocks made of chain. Monster in supporting role: Giant floating eyeball with tentacles and suck vision. Easily dispatched by giant robot. ( I am currently beside myself with excitement.)

Critical update: Late arrivals. Giant stingray looking thing with octopus suckers under his wings.  Also Giant rhinoceros looking thing with elephant trunks for ears. Oh Jesus! An alien spaceship! I'm losing my shit!!

Epilogue: Giant robot whipped all the bad monsters. (Well duh.) Then  grabbed bad man and flew him into outer space, sacrificing himself to crash bad man into a comet.

End note: The bad man's minions were some real assholes.

The End

Thursday, August 23, 2018

I've been thinking. I think I should have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I just don't know what for. Nobody will let me be on TV or in the movies. They won't let me be a rockstar, or opera star, or a country star, or heavy metal screamer. I guess maybe I could have a star for arguing with the TV and telling the people on there what morons they are. I do that all the time and I never lose. Maybe it's because they can't argue back. People would probably say that I'm being unfair. I just say I'm playing to my strengths. Is there a category for bitching at the TV? I wonder what the little symbol looks like. Maybe I should not try to think at 4 in the morning.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

I understand that the Amazon rainforest is supposed to be a good thing. There's a lot of stuff there that crawls around and flies around and slithers back and forth etc. They take this way too far though. I'm watching a documentary on the Amazon rainforest now. I'm about 30 minutes in and I have already seen a spider eat a 1996 Buick Roadmaster station wagon, a snake devour a small village, a little frog spit Atomic explosions, and a fish bite the bow off of a canoe. Exactly what the hell is wrong down there. When you see a pissant toting an entire bullmoose something is definitely up. I'm blaming GMOs and plastic straws.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Today, once again, I will be a Ninja. And I have to say it is long overdue. I will silently stalk the cat. I will be upon him,  pull his tail, and disappear so quickly he will just sit there with a WTF  just happened look on his face. Because that's what ninjas do. I will run from the cat and hide. Because that's what ninjas do. I will traverse the entire perimeter of the living room without touching the floor. Silently moving from furniture piece to furniture piece. Because that's what ninjas do. I will put an ice pack  on the bump on my head. Because that's what ninjas do.I will go get a broomstick and I will swing it all around over my head, spin it and poke stuff. Because that's what ninjas do. I will  clean up everything I broke with the stick, because that's what ninjas do. I'll get the biggest knife I can find in the kitchen and I will twist it and spin it and swing it around and stab at things and defeat invisible doers of naughty shit. Because that's what ninjas do. I will go to the Urgent Care and get stitches, because that's what Ninjas do. I will have a dangerous and exciting afternoon. Then I will take a nap. Because, well, you know.....

Friday, July 20, 2018

Well I am in a genuine scrape. I have lost my underwear. I don't mean a pair of underwear, I mean all of my underwear. I cannot find it. It's not in the laundry, not in the bedroom, it's not on the shelf where I generally keep my underwear. It's not laying all over the floor,  it's not stuck to the ceiling or walls . You know places where you generally find dirty drawers. It is gone. The only explanation would be somebody broke into my house and stole my underwear. They're probably going to sell it on eBay. Does anybody know how to set up one of those GoFundMe things? I need to buy my drawers back.

Naughty words :
None, maybe next time 

Sunday, July 15, 2018

So I had this awesome idea to burp really loud and see if I could sound like a lion roaring.

Lessons learned: 1. I can NOT burp really loud and sound like a lion roaring. 2. Peanut butter is horrible the second time around.

I have the really bad ideas so you won't have to. It's just part of who I am as a person.

Naughty words : None. Sorry.