Thursday, December 7, 2017

Melvin's Warm and Fuzzy Christmas Message.

So I just got done watching the last 30 minutes or so of this Christmas movie that ended up something like this, "Oh Christmas is not just one day a year but Christmas is every day of our lives yada yada blah blah etc. Now I don't want to appear iconoclastic, but come on, Christmas every day? It's bad enough to be inundated with Christmas cheer and smothered to death with all this peace and goodwill to men horseshit for two full months out of every friggin year. Hell I can't go 15 minutes without wanting to putting my foot in somebody's ass. And what about all those snot-nosed sticky little crotch droppings (and by that, I of course mean adorable children), who are being lobotomized by thoughts of a fat burglar and his flying sled pulled by magic mooses and shit. Just think about how wonderfully insane they would turn out. "Be good and you can be one of Santa's little serial killers. Yay."

Disclaimer:
Okay it's no secret that I might be just a touch cynical when it comes to the holidays. (the Grinch said I was an asshole.)
And there is a very good chance that this insane tirade is fueled in part by my grudge against Santa Claus. He kicked my cat. Bastard. Yeah, I saw what you did you red faced little turd. I have a long memory Santa Claus. That's right I'm looking at you.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

When I woke up this morning, the cat was sitting on my chair staring at me. Just staring. I pretended to be asleep for a while to see what he was up to. It soon became apparent that he was waiting for me to wake up. Just staring and waiting. It was full on creepy. I knew what he was doing. He had something on his mind that he was going to blast me with as soon as I opened my eyes. I put it off as long as I could, but he was so creepy and I had to pee. Finally I jumped up and said "WHAT?". Without flinching he slowly blinked his eyes and started licking his paw. When he concluded his overly dramatic pause he said "Melvin, I want to know when I get my unemployment money." I just sighed and said  "Camo, exactly what the feeble fuck are you on about this time." He replied in his most arrogant, 'I got you this time' voice "I am here. I have no job. And I want my friggin money." I rubbed my temples for a bit and quietly replied, "Camo, my dear pet, it truly boggles the mind how many various and creative ways you can be wholly full of shit." Sigh. "I should not even respond to this latest brand of crap, but I have no life so I will kill off a few brain cells and try." Heavy sigh. "First, you are a cat. You can't spend money. Second, you've NEVER had a job. You can't be unemployed, and third, you're too lazy to even cover up your turds so what do you think you would actually do for a job?" Camo - with smug look - "Catch mice." Me - with equally smug look - "We don't have mice." Camo - with 'gotcha, set, match' look on face - "NOT my fault! Gimme!" I looked at him for a minute and decided it was time to protect my sanity. I walked over to the table where my meager pocket change was sitting and picked up a penny and said "you win." I tossed the penny to him and continued "here's what your efforts are worth". Camo - with the 'I'm gonna rip the veins out of your neck look' "Rarwwwwwwll".

As I got off the phone from making the appointment to get another 'ward off cat bite crud shot' I thought to myself - 'And I've only been awake for half an hour.'


Naughty words:
Fuck
Friggin
Shit
Crap
Turds

Monday, November 27, 2017

My Facebook friends (meaning those 3 people I know who don't want to kill me) will notice that I've posted some stuff from my Facebook thingy. Trying to catch up without putting any actual effort in it. Just another thing I get to do because its MY shitty blog. MINE.



Naughty word:
Shitty
I had so many things planned for today. I didn't get to do any of them. The aliens from the planet Prozac 4 came and made a rare daytime abduction. Yeah,they got a new teleportation device and they thought it would be hilarious to just hoist me up without warning. They parked their craft behind Uranus (come on we're all adults. It's not that funny.) They zapped me up and I just appeared on their ship. It was a little confusing. It takes a minute to get over teleportation but it was kind of fun I guess. They told me that we were going to a little planetoid about three galaxies over to check out a new bar. I said geeze man it's going to take an hour or more to get there. I'm not sure I have that kind of time. They assured me that they would have me back in plenty of time for a natural death, so we made the trip. When we approached the little planetoid I was a bit short of impressed. I can't tell you the name because it has more characters than the numbers in pi. They told me that it was called Planet Barf for short. When I noticed that the bar was the only thing on the puny rock I could guess why. The place had to be at least 10,000 years old. The beer cans, and yes they use aluminum cans just like we do, were piled up several thousand feet high out back. I guess recycling is not something they bother about. Anyway, we went inside and were met by some of the most curious and terrifying creatures I've ever seen. Made even more terrifying by the fact that they were obviously plastered and had been for several decades. There were two blobs and what looked like a fish playing some kind of game over on one side. It involved sharp metal objects that they would gleefully throw at each other accompanied by loud battle cries which I later learned were considered vulgar. There was a group of Marookians on the other side trying to get drunk enough to figure out which of their confusing appendages were supposed to be used for orgies and which were not. They are disgusting creatures. But they have fun. One of the aliens, (I call him Alejandro because humans can't pronounce his real name,) ordered a round of something which apparently we were supposed to drink. I actually drank two. They were almost good. I don't think I quite finished the second one but that's all I remember. I came to in my house laying on the floor in my underwear with what appears to be suck marks all over my body and some green dust in my hair. One of the aliens had left a note that said simply, "Dude, I can't believe you did that." I don't know whether to be proud of myself or very very ashamed. I won't be trying to find out.





Those aliens. They think they're so funny. They started messing with me now that they can beam things around. Sometime while I was asleep last night they beamed up the cat and beamed down a full-grown penguin in his place. One of them big suckers. I didn't notice it until after I had gotten up and made some coffee, fed the guinea pig, and fed the cat. I sat back down in my chair and here comes this Penguin strutting by. I called the aliens up on the little alien communication thingy they gave me last Christmas and told them not to eat my cat and send him back down here. To beam this freaking penguin up, and while they're at it, beam the penguin shit up too. Well they sent the cat back but before they could lock on to the penguin, Camo started to chase it around the house. There they were, knocking everything over and breaking stuff. The aliens locking on to random crap and beaming it god knows where. Finally they got the dang penguin up but left the shit.
When those assholes pick me up to bar crawl around Andromeda later, ole Alejandro (the alien whose real name cannot be pronounced by a human) is going to be buying a whole bunch of whatever toxic, liver roasting swill available in whatever death hole bar we are in. I know some shit on him that he don't want his big assed second wife creature to find out about. Silly ass should know better by now. Been holding it over his head for years now over the last few weeks. I would never rat him out but he's not so sure about that. At any rate I'm going to mess with him. Teach him to screw around with my cat. By the way, does anybody know how to get penguin shit up out of the carpet?



Naughty words:
Shit 4 times
Crap
Assholes
Assed
Ass
Screw
OK the cat is a harsh critic. For the last couple of hours I have been following him around singing every song I know using nothing but "meow, meow, meow, etc for lyrics. He just moves from place to place trying, I suspect, to ignore me. At first he just kinda glanced occasionally with that "What the hell is wrong with you" look. Then the " Feed me and go away" look. Then the "I'm gonna rip the veins out of your neck" look. Now he just lays there twitching with one eye blinking at a time. Meh, what does he know? You should hear HIM sing!



Naughty word:
Hell
So I was sitting at home last night in my underwear practicing signing my autograph, (you know for the inevitable times when people will appear clamoring for it) when it occurred to me that I will also have to deal with groupies. Now these groupies will all be over 50 years old. (Probably) That's not necessarily a bad thing but I'll have to remember to slow down a bit when I pretend to get away so at least a few can catch up. The only exceptions will of course be Jennifer Lawrence and Taylor Swift, who are both besotted with me. Jennifer wants me for the sugar and Taylor is going to come and get me in her jet airplane and touch my butt and buy me a Maserati. (Yes it's going to be a tough choice.) I guess these problems are unavoidable when sharing your awesomeness with the world. When speaking of said awesomeness, I haven't decided exactly which of my many forms of awesomeness I intend to share. There are so many and any one of them will make people completely lose their shit when the awesomeness is demonstrated. [Note to self get some earplugs so you won't have your hearing damaged by the screaming hordes of admirers.] I shared these thoughts with the cat and he sat in the floor and closed his eyes and rubbed his little kitty cat forehead for about 15 minutes before he finally said "Melvin, if I had thumbs I would cut off my ear like Vincent van Gogh." I thought it a bit odd. I guess cats can't handle awesomeness. I didn't know that.