Monday, November 15, 2021

No Nobel

Well I read where the Nobel prizes have been announced again. Couple of guys from somewhere doing something about how pain works so people won't have to hurt or some such nonsense appears to have won this time. Once again my groundbreaking research on how long can you sit on the toilet before your legs go to sleep has been overlooked. Does nobody care about science anymore?

Wednesday, October 20, 2021


Well I committed another act of cookery today. I made me some red beans and rice. I've never cooked red beans and rice. Hell I don't think I've even ever eaten red beans and rice. But I had some leftover rice and I had a couple of cans of red beans, well kidney beans, but they are red. And a can of Progresso tomato basil soup. I also had a handful of nice size boiled shrimp. Well it was leftover bait from yesterday but whatever. So I dumped it all in a pot put some water in and got me a bunch of spices and dumped em in there from the pile of little bottles I collectively refer to as yummy dust. I cooked all that shit in the pot until I got hungry enough to taste it. I'm guessing that's how you know it's done. Now here's the weird part. That shit was good. I mean real good. I'm saying it's the best red beans in rice anybody has ever cooked anywhere on the planet. And since I've never had red beans in rice I'm basing that boast on pretty much nothing. ?But for now it's the best red beans and rice ever. Until I find out different. Which I probably never will. Because other people's red beans and rice sucks. Naughty words: Hell once Shit twice

Friday, October 8, 2021

You ever have one of those days where you get up, put your underwear on backwards, and move on down from there? In the words of Robert Burns, "The best laid plans of mice and men often end, well fuck it then".(translated/paraphrased), Naughty words: Fuck

Monday, August 9, 2021

The Giant Floating Strawberry Bagel has returned. Scared the crap out of me. I was in the shower. I think he was peeking. It was awkward. The message this evening was especially edifying though. Clearly, we all needed this.: "Everything is in abundance. That's why you can outrun a squash. Squash makes some people fart. Dead people fart sometimes too, although I don't think they enjoy it. I enjoy ice cream. Cream cheese frightens me." This gave me chills. Naughty words: (if uou are really touchy) Crap x1 Fart x2

Monday, April 5, 2021

Broke ass stew.

Melvin's recipe for broke-ass stew. Put a bunch of cans of store brand vegetables in a pot. (remove from cans first) Put in some salt and pepper and some of that stuff in the little bottles that look like seasonings of some kind. Stirr and smell. If you don't puke continue. Put in a pack of rammy noodles with little pack of yummy dust. Fish out the plastic wrapper and discard. Cook over low heat until hunger makes you brave/desperate enough to eat it. Try a small amount and wait 5 minutes. If you don't puke, pass out or convulse, hold nose and consume.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Stay what way?

Well that was weird. This gnarly old lady just showed up at the door and gave me a jar with a rose in it. She mumbled something about if I didn't do some unintelligible bullshit by the time the rose fell apart, I was going to stay this way. Stay what way? Old? Fat? Ugly? Broke? Crazy? I'll have you know some people find those qualities to be quite charming. Nobody I know personally, but some people do. Naughty word: bullshit.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

By by breakfast.

This morning, a bird fell down my chimney and got trapped in the fireplace. The cats were immediately interested. I opened the sliding door and then let the little bird out. He flew around the house and shot out of the open door. Camo looked at me with this annoyed look on his face, and said "Melvin, I believe that was supposed to be my breakfast." I offered him a graham cracker as a replacement. He hissed at me. I believe I'll just avoid him today.