Monday, July 13, 2020

Don't you just hate it? When you think you have come down with body dysmorphic disorder? Because you look in the mirror and you think you're chubby? And then you remember you really are chubby? And then you feel silly? You ever do that? No? Just me then. Awkward.

Sunday, July 5, 2020

So, I decided that today would be a good day to replace the line on my fishing rod. I intend to embark on several epic fishing expeditions and the coming weeks. Well now: let me tell you about monofilament fishing line. It is manufactured by Satan himself in the bowels of perdition. Created from the tortured, malignant, souls of all the worst murderers, rapists, politicians, Liars, thieves, and other various and Sundry assholes. I tackled the task with the greatest of confidence. Secure in the firmly held belief that I was competent and more than able to accomplish the task. Boy was I wrong. Before I got done I was wrapped up from head to toe in invisible fishing line. The cat was tied up in it too as were several items of furniture the fishing pole itself and at one point, I swear it's true, even the ceiling fan. I am now traumatized and I'm pretty sure I will need therapy. Not only that, but I have the premonition that my next turd will be tied to my liver.

Naughty words:
Asshole
Turd

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

I'll never understand women, I happened to have the perfect opportunity to ask a lady out and much to my delight, she said yes. I excitedly said " Great, you are MUCH better than the skanks and crack whores I usually get stuck with" All of a sudden -  no date. Go figure.

Monday, June 22, 2020

PLEASE READ! Vital information: Apparently some of us are about to let our extended car warranty lapse. The warranty company has been trying to reach us to give us ONE more chance to correct the issue. If not renewed your car will explode, your neighbor will be hit by the resulting shrapnel, and sue you for eleventy million hundred dollars. You will get rickets and crap your pants..A rabid 'coon will bite you on the ankle, but you will be struck by lightening and die before the rabies causes you to lose your mind and die a horrible death. To avoid this unpleasant and bothersome situation you must answer your phone even though you don't recognize the number..Be warned  that doing so will put you in grave danger of having to talk about free magazines.

Friday, May 29, 2020

I've been thinking about emotional support animals.  I can see the possibility of benefit there. I've kind of been thinking about it for myself. But I'm not sure a dog or cat or a ferret or otter or skunk or even water buffalo would be a good fit for me in that capacity.  I'm thinking more along the lines of emotional support stripper. I think that is something that I should look into and see If there is an organization that might provide one for me. Being disabled and needy, I  think I would qualify for a emotional support stripper to be provided at no charge. I'm not too proud to accept a bit of charity. Especially considering the emotional health benefits. And you know I'm all about the emotional health benefits.

Thursday, May 28, 2020

I just realized that I don't have an ostrich. I blame global warming and poor planning.

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Well dagnabbit. That's old fart speak for 'I find the current situation a bit annoying and/or bothersome. That current situation being poison ivy on both my arms. I hate poison ivy with a fiery hatred reserved for things that make me itch or things that otherwise inconvenience me in some small way. Long-suffering patience is not on my short stack of virtues. The brush around my house is about 40% poison ivy now. Which is really okay by me but it makes putting food out for the squirrels and the bunnies and the possums a bit like traversing a mine field. I guess I could go cut down the poison ivy, but that could turn into something resembling work, so that shit ain't likely to happen. And the critters don't seem to care either way. Yeah, I am low-key bitching to the internet,  but the cat already told me my poison ivy seems like a personal problem to him and as long as it didn't interfere with his food bowl he didn't give a shit. So I refuse to squander my perfectly good bitching talent on a snarky old unappreciative cat.

Naughty words:
Shit, twice.