Friday, July 20, 2018

Well I am in a genuine scrape. I have lost my underwear. I don't mean a pair of underwear, I mean all of my underwear. I cannot find it. It's not in the laundry, not in the bedroom, it's not on the shelf where I generally keep my underwear. It's not laying all over the floor,  it's not stuck to the ceiling or walls . You know places where you generally find dirty drawers. It is gone. The only explanation would be somebody broke into my house and stole my underwear. They're probably going to sell it on eBay. Does anybody know how to set up one of those GoFundMe things? I need to buy my drawers back.

Naughty words :
None, maybe next time 

Sunday, July 15, 2018

So I had this awesome idea to burp really loud and see if I could sound like a lion roaring.

Lessons learned: 1. I can NOT burp really loud and sound like a lion roaring. 2. Peanut butter is horrible the second time around.

I have the really bad ideas so you won't have to. It's just part of who I am as a person.

Naughty words : None. Sorry. 
I'm having trouble thinking up stupid, immature, or offensive crap to post lately. All I get are profound, uplifting or inspirational bits of mature wisdom. Screw that! I'll let you know when I come to my senses.

Naughty word: Screw.

Monday, July 2, 2018

I talk to the TV. I do. I talk to the TV all the time. I seldom actually watch the TV, I just leave it on in the background and every now and then I'll catch something that's been said and I'll respond to it like they were in the room. I never pay attention to myself because mostly what I say is bullshit. Mostly what's on TV is bullshit. So it's just the semi-conscious battle of the bullshits. Just a little while ago I heard myself say "never underestimate the power of prostitution". I said that. Out loud. To the TV.

Naughty words:
Bullshit 3 times

Thursday, May 31, 2018

As you can no doubt imagine, I have been just obsessed with all things "Royal Family" lately. As I have been scouring the interwebber thingy I have discovered some things I did not know about the "Royals". Did you know than if you are "Royal" there are things you just CAN"T do? You can't fart out loud, pick and roll, pick and eat, dig your ass (no matter how bad it itches), pull your drawers out of your crack, pull someone else's drawers out of their crack, give anyone the finger, blow your nose "farmer John" style, use the "F word" - ever, call the fancy ladies "bitches", wear socks that don't match, go without pants, refer to the Queen as "Big Momma", change your oil in the driveway, chase a greased pig through the palace, or flirt with a sheep. I don't care how important they are to their country, people just can't be expected to live that way. It's hard not to feel sorry for them.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Warning: This post contains the word "shit". It is used 20 times. (Possibly a record. Citation needed.) If you are offended by the word "shit", you might want to close your eyes while you read this one. I realize that some folks object to the word "shit". "Shit" is not a bad word to me, but its use may be of some concern to others. As for me, I don't give a shit.

Feeling a bit lost lately. After several weeks of not giving a shit about the [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG] I don't know what to not give a shit about now. It was easy to not give a shit about [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG]. There was just SO much to not give a shit about. But compared to the [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG] everything seems kind of insignificant. If I'm going to bother to not give a shit about something, (and you know I am), I would prefer to not give a shit about something that people actually give a shit about. I will be watching the news constantly and as soon as I find something to not give a shit about I will Immediately begin not giving a shit about it. I will, for your edification, post the thing that I am not giving a shit about so you will know I am not giving a shit about it. It will be difficult to match the intensity of not giving a shit about [Royal Wedding!, OMG!, Take Me Now, I just Can't!, Meghan, Dress, Harry, Etc, GAG], but that degree of not giving a shit does not present itself very often in one lifetime.

If you have a candidate for something to not give a shit about, please let me know. I just might not give a shit about it! All candidates will be considered.

Naughty word:
Shit 20 times. (yay)

Sunday, May 13, 2018

 I'm working on a new scientific discipline called Quantum Bullshit. The short version is this: When you look in the bathroom mirror, the light image has to travel from your body, to the mirror, then to your retina, up your optic nerve to be processed by the brain. This occurs before you 'see' yourself. So, the YOU that you SEE is actually a fraction in the past. That means you are always a bit ahead of yourself. This effect will be called the "Melvin Shithouse Mirror Effect". Named, of course, after yours truly. I aim to find the number of trips to the bathroom mirror before you don't have to shit.

Naughty words :