Saturday, August 17, 2019

Watching Disney Channel all the time it has turned out to be a very positive experience for me. I've learned so much about myself. A few months ago, I learned that my eyebrows were indeed "on fleek" . More recently I learned that I am "totes adorbs" and "sups cute". Hey I don't make the rules people.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

Old Melvin has been having kind of a difficult time. Had a stroke July 23rd then another trip to the hospital for pneumonia and sepsis I can assure you all three things stroke, pneumonia, and sepsis, kinda suck. I am hoping to get back to posting ridiculous and offensive bulshit. Won't that be exciting

Thursday, May 30, 2019

To celebrate my current state of idleness and lack of ambition, I have decided that I am going to start having afternoon tea. I will drink only the finest teas imported from Food Lion. I will have my bologna sandwiches cut up in tiny pieces to eat with my pinky stuck out. Of course I will have to travel to the far western land of Walmartia to procure suitable Chinese plastic vessels with which to prepare and serve my tea. The cat has indicated that he might join me if I promise not to wake him up. It's going to be awesome.

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Cleaning out the cat litter box is not usually the highlight of my day. Especially when someone has eaten something they should not have. This morning while I was dutifully digging in the Box of Treasures, I was startled to hear someone call my name. I looked around and saw nothing. Then I heard my name called again. I looked into the litter box and there was a little turd standing up on its end. It had a little face on it and was calling my name. After a few seconds of shock I replied, "Well hello Mr. Turd". "Hello Melvin" the little turd said. I asked "What can I do for you this morning Mr. Turd" "Well first of all" he said "you can call me Mr. Poopie. We really are not fond of the term, turd." "Well then" I said. "I didn't know that. But then I did not know Tu.. I mean, Poopies could talk" With a thoughtful look he said "I suppose not. I'm one of a couple of dozen talking Poopies ever to have existed" . I said with a tinge of sarcasm, "Well I don't know, but I think I may be honored. I mean, to have something as rare as a talking Poopie visit our humble catbox" He said "Thank you very much" I countered "You're welcome Mister Poopie" . He didn't know but I actually was enjoying saying the word poopie. Again I addressed Mr. Poopie and said "To what do I owe this great honor then". He said "It's not by accident Melvin. We have reason to believe that you just might be the 'Chosen One" . I was a little taken aback. I asked "Chosen for what?" Mr. Poopie answered me with grave seriousness in his voice. "The one chosen to solve the Great Problem." "Great Problem?" I asked. "Yes" he said. I continued "I'm sorry Mr. Poopie but I have no idea what you're talking about." He said "Really?" I said "Really". He moaned " Damn. It seems that I may have made a trip for nothing." I said "Yeah?" He explained, "If you were the chosen one, you would know" . I said "Okay, that's fair. And I do not know. At all. No clue." Mr. Poopie looked a little irritated and said to me in a rather snarky tone. "Well then, you are of no use at all". And with that Mr. Poopie disappeared under the litter and I didn't see him anymore. (I know, it's very strange to me too). I resumed the chore of digging the little poopies out of the cat box and it struck me. How very sad. To be told you are useless. By a turd.

Friday, April 5, 2019

I'm looking for answers. What exactly is Vienna sausage snot? Where does it come from? What is it made of? Is it toxic? If left alone would it coagulate into Vienna sausage boogers? Has anybody ever heard of Vienna sausage boogers becoming sentient and growing teeth? Has anyone ever known of Vienna sausage boogers with teeth chasing the cat? I don't believe Camo would actually make this kind of shit up, but it's beginning to sound a bit far-fetched.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

I recently found out that Chinese fortune cookies are not really all that prevalent in China and that the whole fortune cookie thing is pretty much American crap. Armed with that knowledge and the desire to screw with people's heads, I decided it would be amusing to replace the bland, benign, mealy mouthed fortunes with ones more to my liking. IE: "DUCK" or "Remember that last date? Get your ass to the doctor". How about " Go home. Where there's smoke, there's fire." or "You will recover - eventually". There's always the " You will learn to live without sex. Your spouse will not". Or my favorite, "Your spouse fakes it. You needed to know" (especially fun to give to the ladies). "You put off life insurance - don't". That one's food for unsettling thought. Think how much fun it will be sitting in the restaurant and watching people turn pale and grab at their chest. This is greatness in the making!

Friday, March 1, 2019

So I was watching Kim Possible on Disney while ago and something occurred to me. I hope it never falls on me to save the world from anything. It sounds like a lot of work and has the potential to be rather unpleasant. I see the possibility of having to involve myself with a much higher level of physical activity than I I'm comfortable with. There is also the probability that I would be required to wear pants. The real deal breaker however is not being able to stop and have my nap. Even though I can't imagine a 'Melvin saves the world' scenario, it is possible I guess. If such a situation where to arise, I think it would behoove mankind to look for a plan B as I would very likely choose not to participate. To be fair, mankind should have known that to begin with.