Sunday, May 13, 2018

 I'm working on a new scientific discipline called Quantum Bullshit. The short version is this: When you look in the bathroom mirror, the light image has to travel from your body, to the mirror, then to your retina, up your optic nerve to be processed by the brain. This occurs before you 'see' yourself. So, the YOU that you SEE is actually a fraction in the past. That means you are always a bit ahead of yourself. This effect will be called the "Melvin Shithouse Mirror Effect". Named, of course, after yours truly. I aim to find the number of trips to the bathroom mirror before you don't have to shit.

Naughty words :

Bullshit
Shithouse
Shit

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Y'all want to know a secret?  I work for a secret government agency that secretly collects your personal information from Facebook and sells it to the Eskimos who secretly use it to control global warming. Obviously I don't keep secrets very good.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

I woke up this morning coughing. I mean the yucky green and yellow stuff. It is sooo gross. I'll try to get you a picture. My throat feels like it is being ripped out of my neck parts. I have to check periodically to see if my sniffeoffphylligus is hanging out.
This will likely be my last day on Earth as I expect to hack up my inside bits before the Good Lord calls my wretched ass home. If I happen to owe you money...Well that's on you. You fucked up. You trusted me. If you have anything of mine, you can just keep it as long as you promise not to sell it for titty bar dollars. You know who you are.
Memorial donations should be sent to the Center For Disease Control Bribe Fund, I am trying to get them to name a venereal disease after me. Send C/O Vito and Big Tony. They will find you.
Naughty words: Ass, Fucked, Titty

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

You know how sometimes when you're sitting in the dark staring into the void? And you reach out to touch something with your mind? And then the hand jumps out and slaps at you and says don't touch that? Yeah, I hate that.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

OK, ya'll ain't gonna believe this. I found out that in a former life, I was King Melvin in a little known but really awesome place called Crapalot. I had a bunch of semi-retarded double digit IQ minions who liked to run around and poke things with pointy sticks. They were known as The Kniggits of the Trapezoid Breakfast Nook. I KNOW, Right? Who woudda thunk it. It never ceases to amaze me, what I find out when I forget to take my meds.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

You know those times? When you sit in the dark with a trash can on your head and just stare into the void? And after awhile you start seeing things that no one else can see?.... You don't?.... Awkward.