Thursday, February 25, 2021

By by breakfast.

This morning, a bird fell down my chimney and got trapped in the fireplace. The cats were immediately interested. I opened the sliding door and then let the little bird out. He flew around the house and shot out of the open door. Camo looked at me with this annoyed look on his face, and said "Melvin, I believe that was supposed to be my breakfast." I offered him a graham cracker as a replacement. He hissed at me. I believe I'll just avoid him today.


Okay, I am generally an optimistic person. But I have had to come to the realization that Taylor Swift is never going to come and pick me up in her jet airplane, smack me on the butt, and buy me a Maserati. In light of this realization, I am currently taking applications for a replacement. Applicants must be young, beautiful, have a shit ton of money, posess questionable morals, and a very generous spirit.

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Well, it's that weird time of year when I set aside my snarky cynicism for a little while and watch Hallmark Christmas movies. You know the ones that all have the exact same plot and recycled actors. The characters always Jump through the same Hoops of corny bullshit in order to overcome miscommunication, bad timing, personal demons, and general nonsense so they can set themselves up to know each other in the Biblical sense. The players are all dipped out of the same character pool of problematic parents, clueless exes, quirky townspeople, solid besties, and various and sundry bit players ranging from horrible to lovable. The outcomes are completely inevitable and predictable of course, including the interrupted first kiss which only makes the principal players more eager to suck the faces off of each other's skulls in the warm n fuzzy ending that is to come. It's km entertainment that doesn't require any brain activity from the viewer. And let's be honest here, if not for Hallmark Christmas movies I would have the Grinch on replay from now until New Year's Eve.

 I would like to be known/remembered as someone who was kind, and gentle, and generous, and trustworthy, and reliable, and nice. So if you all could just forget all that other shit, yeah, that'd be great.

Naughty word:


I just ran across the word besotted. I don't think I've ever used that word in conversation. It means to be infatuated with someone or drunk. Interesting how those two definitions sort of go together. I've been besotted from time to time. And thinking back on it, some of those individuals wound up making me want to be besotted. As in "what the hell was I thinking, here, this half gallon of bourbon should do the trick". This decision invariably leads to throwing up, digging my partial plate out from said pile of puke, and having a really bad headache the next morning. The takeaway from all this is that becoming besotted will lead you to getting besotted. From this, one can further extrapolate that being attracted to someone makes you sick. I believe this to be the root source of the term "you make me sick you asshole". Or "I am so sick of your bullshit". The obvious conclusion from this train of thought is, if you are offended by the word bullshit or asshole you should probably not be attracted to anyone.

As so often happens, my idle thoughts and  uselessness have provided the world with a valuable life lesson. I'll bet you're glad that I don't have to clutter my mind with silly things such as employment.

Naughty words:

Asshole x2

Bullshit x2

Sunday, October 11, 2020

 Today I have a deeply personal problem that I need to share with someone. It seems that I have been having - and this is embarrassing - an unsatisfactory farting experience of late. There I said it. I am telling you because I know you will be discrete and not tell anyone. The issue is this: Instead of the happy little "toot" or the commanding "FRAZZOTT" that I find so pleasant, I am getting an angry growl like "Groorrrttttpp". Disturbing right? I thought so too. Is it possible that your butt can get angry with you? I can't imagine why. Oh well, no skid marks as of yet. Maybe I can make peace with Mr. Hiney before it gets to that point. Thanks, I knew I could count on you.

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

English ?? 101.
Why is it that in polite conversation, it's okay to say buttocks. But when you say ass cheeks, you are being crude.
Why is it that you can say arse but the word ass will be met with consternated looks. Hiney, rear, back side, are all fine, but nobody likes poor little ass. Ass is convenient and economical. Only three letters, one syllable, saves ink and saves air. Using a different word in place of ass is like putting a hat on a pig and telling people it's your cousin. Everybody's going to know. I think it's time to give ass the respect that ass deserves. Who's with me? Really? Dang, I thought I was on a roll here too.

Naughty words:
Ass ×6.